From the KVAL news desk...
Today’s report brought to you by…
Freshen that morning breath with the heavenly morning scent of Bacon Mints. Nothing says freshness like the breath of a breathless pig.
Coming soon, other breakfast favorites like:
Coffee Breath Breeze
Sausage Summers
Biscuit ‘n’ Gravy Gleam
Dry Toast
Catching up on events from recent weeks, here’s what’s happening in our world (at least our house).
NEWS
In crime news, our kids made out like bandits for Christmas. Officer Dad and Lieutenant Mom are investigating to see how this may have happened. Charges of spoiling may be pending although witnesses report seeing a heavy-set Caucasian with white facial hair wearing a red suit of some sort with a matching hat could have been involved. The kids dismissed the charges of spoiling pointing out that they have, in fact, been good. They further pointed out that new bicycles were merely replacements for those recently stolen rather than elements of excessive holiday consumerism. The investigation continues, though Officer Dad was overheard mumbling that all he had requested for Christmas was to survive the holidays with his sanity intact and got shafted.
In other crime news, the culprit responsible for the unfinished condition of our home has not returned to the scene of the crime. In a recent interview with him in the check out lane at a local Academy store he was encouraged not to try. The investigation in to this heinous crime is still ongoing, although with the bathroom unfinished, police have nothing to go on.
In education news, we’re three for three regarding the “A” honor roll at our house. Industry forecasts suggest that if this trend continues, the three children who make up this study should all be smarter than their father by some time during the mid-morning on Tuesday.
WEATHER
In local weather, it is quite cold. Seeking to offset the impact of the cold temperatures, this reporter attempted to created heat from the friction of rubbing two dimes together. These attempts proved unsuccessful since, in a story related to the two stories at the top of our broadcast, no such coins could be found. Pots and windows are also proving to be in short supply despite confusing demand.
MEDICAL
In medical news, there has been some expressed dissatisfaction with the lack of frequency with which we have been reporting on a certain patient’s progress. Said patient is at the hospital as we go to press receiving yet another transfusion (his eighth). There has been an increased rate of progression in the symptoms necessitating the transfusion. Pursuant to this, new approaches to addressing these symptoms are being evaluated. In the interim, it is likely the level of transfusions will increase in coming days. The family wishes to express gratitude for the concern.
SPORTS
In recent coverage of the ADT Golf Challenge, comprised of golf pros and celebrities, it was observed that famed pitcher Roger Clemens objected to the placement of another player’s ball on the tee box because it was too far forward.
“This is a gentlemen’s game,” Clemens stated. “But there are rules.”
People were treated at the scene for suffocation as the thickness of the irony in the air consumed most of the oxygen.
In NFL news, it appears that most odds-makers believe the most likely participants in the Super Bowl are the New England Patriots and the Dallas Cowboys. Going out on the proverbial limb, this reporter suggests that neither team will be involved in a role other than observers as the Colts take an NFC team to be named later to task in Arizona. Odds have not yet been determined, but they are not as strong as those suggesting Tom Brady will have yet another illegitimate child with yet another leggy supermodel some time in 2008.
Also in sports news, with all the coaching turnovers, one can only hope that Wade Phillips, as likeable as he certainly is, is merely keeping Jason Garret’s seat warm.
And finally, a quick Public Service Announcement from our friends at the blood bank.
CORRECTION: In an earlier story it was suggested that three children might soon surpass their father in intelligence. Upon further review it has been determined that this has already occurred and is, infact, old news. We apologize for the error.
Freshen that morning breath with the heavenly morning scent of Bacon Mints. Nothing says freshness like the breath of a breathless pig.
Coming soon, other breakfast favorites like:
Coffee Breath Breeze
Sausage Summers
Biscuit ‘n’ Gravy Gleam
Dry Toast
Catching up on events from recent weeks, here’s what’s happening in our world (at least our house).
NEWS
In crime news, our kids made out like bandits for Christmas. Officer Dad and Lieutenant Mom are investigating to see how this may have happened. Charges of spoiling may be pending although witnesses report seeing a heavy-set Caucasian with white facial hair wearing a red suit of some sort with a matching hat could have been involved. The kids dismissed the charges of spoiling pointing out that they have, in fact, been good. They further pointed out that new bicycles were merely replacements for those recently stolen rather than elements of excessive holiday consumerism. The investigation continues, though Officer Dad was overheard mumbling that all he had requested for Christmas was to survive the holidays with his sanity intact and got shafted.
In other crime news, the culprit responsible for the unfinished condition of our home has not returned to the scene of the crime. In a recent interview with him in the check out lane at a local Academy store he was encouraged not to try. The investigation in to this heinous crime is still ongoing, although with the bathroom unfinished, police have nothing to go on.
In education news, we’re three for three regarding the “A” honor roll at our house. Industry forecasts suggest that if this trend continues, the three children who make up this study should all be smarter than their father by some time during the mid-morning on Tuesday.
WEATHER
In local weather, it is quite cold. Seeking to offset the impact of the cold temperatures, this reporter attempted to created heat from the friction of rubbing two dimes together. These attempts proved unsuccessful since, in a story related to the two stories at the top of our broadcast, no such coins could be found. Pots and windows are also proving to be in short supply despite confusing demand.
MEDICAL
In medical news, there has been some expressed dissatisfaction with the lack of frequency with which we have been reporting on a certain patient’s progress. Said patient is at the hospital as we go to press receiving yet another transfusion (his eighth). There has been an increased rate of progression in the symptoms necessitating the transfusion. Pursuant to this, new approaches to addressing these symptoms are being evaluated. In the interim, it is likely the level of transfusions will increase in coming days. The family wishes to express gratitude for the concern.
SPORTS
In recent coverage of the ADT Golf Challenge, comprised of golf pros and celebrities, it was observed that famed pitcher Roger Clemens objected to the placement of another player’s ball on the tee box because it was too far forward.
“This is a gentlemen’s game,” Clemens stated. “But there are rules.”
People were treated at the scene for suffocation as the thickness of the irony in the air consumed most of the oxygen.
In NFL news, it appears that most odds-makers believe the most likely participants in the Super Bowl are the New England Patriots and the Dallas Cowboys. Going out on the proverbial limb, this reporter suggests that neither team will be involved in a role other than observers as the Colts take an NFC team to be named later to task in Arizona. Odds have not yet been determined, but they are not as strong as those suggesting Tom Brady will have yet another illegitimate child with yet another leggy supermodel some time in 2008.
Also in sports news, with all the coaching turnovers, one can only hope that Wade Phillips, as likeable as he certainly is, is merely keeping Jason Garret’s seat warm.
And finally, a quick Public Service Announcement from our friends at the blood bank.
CORRECTION: In an earlier story it was suggested that three children might soon surpass their father in intelligence. Upon further review it has been determined that this has already occurred and is, infact, old news. We apologize for the error.
3 Comments:
This comment has been removed by the author.
Where can I find those mints? I have friends that have sworn off pork and I would LOVE to give them a box on Bacon Mints!
Happy New Year Val! Thanks for the update. I loved it, although I have a strong feeling it pained even you to issue the, "with the bathroom unfinished, police have nothing to go on" line.
Here's to peace and health in 2008.
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