Steven Wright

I feel like a kid again. Well, not exactly. But when I was a kid, my favorite comedians were Bob Newhart, Jonathan Winters and Steven Wright. Though they have had some acting roles, none of them have done much stand-up in the last 15-20 years. That, however, is about to change for Steven Wright. He is about to have a special on Comedy Central. Though quirky, his old stuff was relatively clean. I hope he has not become like so many other sick and twisted comedians and has instead remained only twisted. To give an idea of what his comedy is like, here are some Steven Wright quotes.

I had on some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

My school colors were clear. I'm not naked. I'm with the band.

I went to the general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world...perhaps you've seen it...

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I was Caesarian born...can't tell...except every time I leave a room, I go out through the window.

All those who believe in psychokineses, raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I have a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car.

I was sad because I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "You got any shoes you're not using?"

It's a small world...but I wouldn't want to paint it.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"

I kept a diary as a baby. I was reading it the other day. It said, DAY ONE: Still tired from the move. DAY TWO: Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot. When I was two I was really anxious because my age had doubled in one year. I thought, if this keeps up by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and wonder if I wrote that.

I saw a bank that said, "24 Hour Banking." I don't have that much time.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are pretty mad.

I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got dizzy.

I hate when my foot falls asleep because that usually means it's going to be up all night.